OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! Read online

  1.10 p.m.

  I can hear Mum stomping about downstairs. She is not happy at ALL at Keith coming. I have caused this and I KNOW she’s TOTALLY cross at me about it. She’s not actually saying it but my bacon sandwiches are not crispy any more. I heard her tell Gran that it’s the “crappest Christmas since there was a power cut on Christmas Day and you gave me a novelty squirrel nutcracker.” Gran said it was cute and practical. Mum yelled, “Rob can’t look at a cashew without swelling up to twice his size!” Gran told her that nut allergies are all in the mind and that she could prove it.

  This is the most outrageous thing she has ever said.

  1.23 p.m.

  Apart from the time when she told everyone at her local pensioners’ club that you can cure the common cold with 2 boxes of Maltesers and an entire bottle of brandy. “The brandy is a natural disinfectant,” she said, “and the honeycomb chocolate just gives you a lift.” She ended up in bed at 2 a.m. with a “men at work” sign under her duvet. It was in her spare room for ages!

  1.42 p.m.

  AND the time that she said the ACTUAL men at work could come in for a “hot toddy” post-work so they could collect their stolen sign. Gran says you have to look after the workers – especially the young fit ones. She was right. They fixed her guttering for free and gave her a hard hat as a souvenir. She uses it in the shower when she wants to keep her perm dry. Most people have a plastic cap. Not something with “Fairways and Son – We build it better and bigger!” written on it.

  7.25 p.m.

  TOTAL DRAMA! Gran hid a peanut in Rob’s dinner! When he hadn’t had a reaction half an hour later Gran started jumping up and down in the middle of Coronation Street, saying, “Told you! Told you! I’ve cured you. It’s all in that overactive imagination of yours, Rob. Now you can look at an almond with kindly eyes.”

  8.43 p.m.

  Rob started being violently ill about 8.15 p.m. He started swelling up. He’s had to go to hospital. Gran think he’s “worked himself up into an inflatable frenzy”. Mum says she’s tempted to call the police!

  10.35 p.m.

  Rob’s been given a thing called an EpiPen. It’s like a biro with magic medicine stuff in it. You have to stab yourself with it if you eat a nut or something that’s been hanging around nuts. Rob has to carry it round with him EVERYWHERE. Mum thinks Gran should be prosecuted for murder. Gran thinks it was a genuine mistake. She was just trying to prove that Rob’s problem is “in his brain not his immune system”. Mum told Gran that watching Doctors every afternoon does not make you actually medically trained.

  I personally think Gran might be one of the potentially murdering maniacs who Weirdo Jen warned me about. It’s what happens when you fill your life with programmes about posh people getting murdered in the countryside. Gran always acts odd after Silent Witness. She always says that had she been born in a different generation she would have been a pathologist – one of those people who examines murder victims and gets clues. “It’s got everything I need from a career, Hattie – good money, justice and gorgeous young policemen asking me for guidance. Don’t you think a white coat and a surgical hacksaw would suit me?” When I asked her if she wouldn’t be a bit creeped out by dead people Gran started cackling and said, “Hattie, I’d love to go to work every day with people who can’t answer back. It’s my idea of heaven!”

  Gran is a teensy bit psycho-mental. I’m glad she does come from a time when women left school at 14, got married and had babies!

  11.07 p.m.

  No, I’m not – that’s awful! OMG – whoever thought THAT was a good idea?!

  11.12 p.m.

  It was probably men frightened of young girls nicking their jobs. Especially pathologists.

  11.25 p.m.

  And policemen frightened of flirting grannies with scalpels!

  I have had NOTHING from Goose today. He is obviously too busy with his gecko to think about my life changing for ever. Talked to Dimple earlier about it. She said perhaps I was too “dismissive”. When I asked her WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANT she said, “Perhaps Goose was trying to get you involved in something he really cares about. It sounds like you were a bit … mean, Hattie!”

  ME MEAN?! It’s OBVIOUS I LIKE HIM! What more do I have to do? Be happy about THE MOST GEEK THING IN THE WORLD?!

  I don’t know why I ask Dimple about men – it’s not like she’s had loads of boyfriends.

  11.32 p.m.

  That DID sound mean. Dimple is lovely.

  The truth is, I am officially jealous of a gecko. This is a not good situation. I don’t want to be evil. I want Keith to like me – not to think I’m this horrible spoilt thing that doesn’t like people or creatures. He’s already got that with MGK! LOL!

  All this and Christmas shopping looming…

  W

  EDNESDAY 23

  RD D

  ECEMBER

  12.04 p.m.

  Christmas shopping on a low NO budget was difficult but I think I’ve got it sorted. I’ve got Gran a pair of nail clippers (that’s all the technology she can handle, apart from her Nintendo DS), a tartan weatherproof mini coat for Princess, some Britney Spears perfume for Mum (it was MASSIVELY reduced), some furry dice for Rob’s car (Weirdo Jen says it’s an ironic take on the boy racer culture and he’ll appreciate it?) and NOTHING for my brother. It’s tradition!

  4.55 p.m.

  I went to see Gran this afternoon. She called me into the bathroom. She’d been to the Christmas dinner at her pensioners’ club and “got a bit too much in the festive spirit”. She’d only put diamante vajazzles of Father Christmas’s face on her bum AND used superglue! She kept shouting, “I can’t get it off, Hattie!” I was telling her to go to hospital but Gran thought she couldn’t because Rob went yesterday! She didn’t want the doctors and nurses thinking we were “a family of nutters”. We ARE a family of nutters! Why deny it?! Then Gran said, “I’ll end up on the Internet or on 24 Hours in A&E – even if they blur my face people will know my voice and my bum!”

  5.36 p.m.

  How will people know Gran’s bum?!

  6.05 p.m.

  Gran just rang my mob. The Father Christmas beard has partly come off. Gran is wearing rough cotton pants as punishment.

  Does she even realize what vajazzles are and where they SHOULD go? I’m not telling her!

  6.55 p.m.

  Vajazzles. Geckos. Nut allergies. What on Earth is Keith coming into?! I’m confused about everything. Mum is angry with me and Gran is FURIOUS – partly at her itchy body art but mainly at Keith. Rob’s not said a lot but I know he’s worried. He’s spending a lot of time in his shed. I want to tell him he’ll always be THE BEST SORT OF NOT REAL DAD EVER … but that sounds craptacular.

  7.37 p.m.

  I can tell you what Keith is coming into – he’s definitely coming into the most uncomfortable accommodation in history. I saw it earlier. It’s totally obvious that Gran really, REALLY hates Keith. The bed in the spare room has disappeared. She said the mattress had lost too many of its springs. She’s put the ancient fold-out camp thing out with the itchy blanket. Gran’s got a deluxe queen-size airbed! When I asked her where it was she snapped, “It’s got a puncture – Princess thought it was a cat.” Beds do not look like cats. I think she told Princess to attack it. I’m not arguing though. I’m NEVER going to argue with an OAP who’s had a vajazzle disaster.

  8.14 p.m.

  OFFICIAL SERIOUS AND MAX AWFUL CONVERSATION WITH MY BROTHER.

  I asked Nathan how he felt about Keith. It’s because he keeps acting like nothing is happening and IT IS: OUR BIOLOGICAL ACTUAL REAL DAD is turning up TOMORROW. So I said, “Nath – how do you feel about it all?” And he said, “Hattie, I don’t know how I feel. I just wish that things were the way they used to be. They were fine. Rob’s the best dad ever. Who cares about anything else?” I said, “But don’t you want to know THE TRUTH? Like where we come from and who he is and why he’s never bothered?” Nathan just shrugged and grunted. Then he said
, “And think what it’s like for Mum – she has to have all those bad memories back in her life again. AT CHRISTMAS. But you know what, Hattie? I’m over it.”

  SO IT’S ALL HATTIE’S FAULT AGAIN! FANTASTIC! All I wanted was what I actually deserve!

  I don’t get it. Why is THAT so bad and why isn’t Nathan even a tiny bit interested? HOW can he be all cool about it when I’m having a massive emotional earthquake that’s causing major structural damage?!

  8.55 p.m.

  That last bit made no sense but I know what I mean. I’m in a mess.

  And now I feel like I’m letting Mum down and, even though I hate him, I’m letting Nathan down too. I actually don’t want to do that. I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to meet Keith.

  9.12 p.m.

  Just rang Dimple about Nathan. She said men are often “resistant to change”. When her mum swapped her dad’s shower gel he went really moody for about a week until he admitted that “a lack of lather” was making him grumpy. Dimple’s mum put washing-up liquid in the bottle to teach him a lesson but he LOVED it. He doesn’t know but he’s been using it ever since! Dimple thinks men just see what they want to see. “If there’s lots of foam, Hattie, then they’re fine. Even if they smell lemony fresh and have skin like a dinner plate.”

  Can you compare a family crisis to a bottle of Fairy liquid?

  10.01 p.m.

  Just asked Mum what I should call Keith. I don’t want to call him “Dad” but “Keith” seems weird too. Mum said, “Call him what you like, Hattie! Up to you!” I told her I was thinking of a mixture of Keith and Dad – something like “Kad”. She started laughing in a weird way and said, “Yeah – that suits!”

  I don’t get it.

  10.21 p.m.

  Texted Weirdo Jen. She says “cad” is an old word for a bloke who is a lying scumbag. Jen thinks my mum “really needs to get over her bitterness or she will end up with stomach ulcers”. She is going to bring a Native American dreamcatcher round to help ease her subconscious negative feelings.

  I don’t think a big wind chime can really solve this problem but it’s a nice thought.

  10.45 p.m.

  Just told Mum about Jen. She says she needs a dreamcatcher the size of Wales for all her bitterness. Then she told me to “get some sleep as it’s a big day tomorrow”.

  It IS a big day. It’s bigger than big. It’s mahoosive. There needs to be a new word.

  10.56 p.m.

  Lord Megamahoosive of Enormoushire.

  I’m quite proud of that.

  11.02 p.m.

  I always make up craptacular things when I’m nervous and can’t sleep.

  11.16 p.m.

  I think I can hear Goose talking to his gecko. He should be comforting me, not chatting to him!

  I thought Goose REALLY liked me. If I can get THAT wrong, what else can I get wrong? What else have I GOT wrong? Have I actually just created the biggest disaster ever?

  I wish humans hatched from eggs. It would save a lot of trouble.

  T

  HURSDAY 24

  TH D

  ECEMBER

  2.12 a.m.

  I am completely nervous about Keith turning up. He’s on the plane now. I can’t sleep for worrying about it. What have I started?! I was so desperate to meet him that I hardly thought about anything or anyone else. That was WRONG and MGK-style horrible. I didn’t even think that I now have another person to buy for at Christmas!

  2.32 a.m.

  OMG – I’m naturally starting to think of others. This is what maturing feels like.

  2.45 a.m.

  I’ll go to Boots on Boxing Day. They always have half-price smellies gift sets. I’ll tell Keith I wanted to meet him first before I bought him anything. You have to actually meet a man before you can buy him aftershave.

  2.50 a.m.

  When I say aftershave I’m not talking anything by Dior or Gucci. I mean Lynx.

  2.52 a.m.

  Bet MGK buys him something posh. She says she can smell how much money someone earns by their fragrance and she can sniff out a man’s ENTIRE personality! She was preaching to us all in Maths once like some kind of stinky love goddess. She reckons any guy who wears Beckham Intimately for Men is the opposite of Beckham. They are usually poor and look dreadful in tight underpants.

  Gran has that advert of Becks in his knickers hung in her kitchen. She says she nearly dropped her scrambled eggs when she saw it first but now it gives her “a natural lift” every time she boils her kettle.

  How would David Beckham feel about being near a Berwick-upon-Tweed tea towel that has a beetroot stain on it?

  2.55 a.m.

  I could use any Christmas money I get to buy Keith something really impressive and designer.

  2.57 a.m.

  No. It’s the thought that counts.

  6.47 a.m.

  Keith just landed. I checked online. He is IN THE COUNTRY. HE IS HERE!

  I don’t feel any different yet. I thought I would feel excited. I just feel…

  I feel nothing really.

  Except for a weird feeling in my lip.

  6.57 a.m.

  I’M GETTING A COLD SORE. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE. My dad is going to meet the world’s scabbiest, most contagious daughter.

  I know things like that aren’t meant to matter but they do.

  7.06 a.m.

  Time is going very slowly.

  7.12 a.m.

  No, Mum – strangely enough I don’t fancy Coco Pops at this present moment.

  7.33 a.m.

  Why do adults try to make you eat? Like food solves anything. How can 2 bits of toast and Marmite calm you down? I am going to puke.

  7.44 a.m.

  Just had 2 bits of toast and Marmite – feel less sick.

  7.50 a.m.

  Text from Goose:

  Thinking of ya Hats. Luv from me & Freak

  Goose has called his gecko “Freak”. That’s sweet.

  That’s really sweet.

  Goose does just like me as a person. Just life, lizards and, I think, my lack of actual breasts get in the way. Why can’t things just WORK OUT?!

  8.09 a.m.

  What if Keith hates me? What if it’s a total disaster? What if Gran makes him one of her “left-over pastry fun flans” and he decides that this is all not worth it. People have felt very extreme things after being exposed to Gran’s flans. For all I know some people have left the country because of them. He could be one of them.

  8.46 a.m.

  Gran has just called my mob for the weirdest conversation ever.

  GRAN: Hattie – we need to talk.

  ME: Is it your vajazzles?

  GRAN: NO! (I’ve only texted Jen – she doesn’t count.) You haven’t told anyone about them have you?

  ME: NO!

  GRAN: I want to talk to you about YOU and Keith.

  ME: Look, I know you don’t—

  GRAN: NO! You listen to me, lady. This is important. Sometimes in life we don’t get what we want and it isn’t our fault. It’s other people. They don’t appreciate us for what we are and what we deserve.

  ME: Gran, I KNOW we don’t get what we want or deserve. Look at the state of my mobile. (I was actually thinking of Goose but I didn’t say it.)

  GRAN: I don’t mean crap like that. I mean THE REAL STUFF THAT MATTERS! Like the people who should love you. From what I hear from Rob you’re not so good at picking up on signals, so let me tell you now – you’re an amazing young woman with an amazing brain, you’re funny and you’ve got a figure I would have died for at your age. You need to wake up to what you really are!

  ME: Have you accidentally put whisky in your porridge again?

  GRAN: NO! I mean it, Hattie. WAKE UP! And don’t expect your father to breeze into your life and solve all your problems. He isn’t Superman. Life is not that easy. It’s NEVER that easy.

  ME: I don’t expect him to make everything better. (Part of me does. A bit.)

  GRAN: Good. He
’s just a man, Hattie.

  ME: RIGHT! OK – MESSAGE RECEIVED!!!

  GRAN: Good. See you later.

  That was helpful in no way whatsoever.

  And what’s all this about not picking up on signals? I can totally tell everyone is cross with me! I’ve already written it here. It’s fairly OBVIOUS. Nathan is currently going through his entire “Angry” playlist on his iPod. He has “Happy”, “Sad” and “Angry” playlists only. They are the only emotions he feels apart from “hungry” and “sleepy”.