OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! Read online

  Jen just texted. She wants to know if I have high heels.

  Jen in high heels? No. No. No.

  7.49 p.m.

  MGK is like an evil disease that spreads and causes terminal girliness. Even Jen is not immune. MGK is like a superbug – but you can’t even be cured at the doctor. She doesn’t eat your flesh but she eats your personality.

  SUNDAY 7TH MARCH

  5.34 p.m.

  Dimple and me just had the most uncomfortable afternoon EVER with Jen. I told a story about a girl leaving false eyelashes on a boy’s shoulder when she kissed him. He freaked out as he thought they were caterpillars. Normally Jen would LOL but today she said, “It’s a bit immature to laugh at a girl who is just trying to look good – beauty does matter and accidents happen.”

  OMG!

  It’s MGK. Jen is infected. It’s like her mind has been sucked out by MGK’s brain hoover.

  7.01 p.m.

  Rang Dimple to have a total analysis of the afternoon. She was a bit weird and said her mum was “ill” and she “couldn’t talk right now”. Dimple can’t talk because of her parents. Jen can’t talk because she’s a loved-up It girl of the moment. I can talk because the only thing I’m having a DEEP relationship with is peanut butter on toast.

  MONDAY 8TH MARCH

  6.35 p.m.

  MEN!!! AGAIN!!!

  Goose can’t understand why I am so upset about Jen. I said, “Because she’s had a personality transplant, Goose.” Goose said, “Just don’t hang around with her then!”

  WHAT?!!

  Men just give up on friends. Then they get geckos instead.

  And they don’t try hard enough to get YOU either!

  9.28 p.m.

  Gran just rang my mob. THE TOTAL LOVE AFFAIR between her and Matfield continues! Gran emailed me her “Rothko”. It’s worse than last week! It’s 2 colours blurred together. I’m trying this on Wednesday with Matfield to see if she loves it when I do it too!

  TUESDAY 9TH MARCH

  8.24 p.m.

  Mum and Rob went to the cinema tonight so I went round to Gran’s to have pizza. She uses a knife and fork with takeaway pepperoni! Sort it out! I told her about Weirdo Jen and MGK. Gran hates MGK so I thought she’d totally be on my side.

  Gran said, “You have a massive problem with jealousy, Hattie. You always have had. Like your mother.”

  Yes I have, Gran, but its genetic. I can’t help it.

  WEDNESDAY 10TH MARCH

  5.17 p.m.

  LEGENDARY DAY!

  TODAY I PROVED THAT ALL TEACHERS TALK CRAPTACULAR BALLS OF NONSENSE!

  Matfield asked us to paint how we felt so I just blended blue and red together. Matfield TOTALLY predictably said, “WHAT’S THAT?! My grandson could do better than that.” I said, “Actually, Mrs Matfield, it’s my ROTHKO – and when my gran did the same thing at art class on Monday night you said it was brilliant.” Matfield just stared and started STUTTERING. Then she said, “Mature people bring an emotional maturity to art that young people cannot copy.” We weren’t quite sure what that meant but she was SWEATING and THEN had to “just nip out to get the mini guillotine”. LOL! Bet she wanted to slice my head off and all she can actually chop is paper!

  Nicky “bad boy” Bainton EVEN smiled at me!

  1–0 to the HATTIE!!! GET IN!!!

  THURSDAY 11TH MARCH

  5.27 p.m.

  OMG – Dimple’s mum is NOT ill.

  DIMPLE’S MUM IS PREGNANT!

  worldfallingapart.com

  Unbelievably Dimple is completely excited about her mum having a baby. What if it’s a boy?! In fact I just know it WILL BE. Hasn’t she known me long enough to realize the utter hell of brothers? Yes, he will be smaller but he can still cause DIMPLE hell!

  Dimple says she has some serious thinking to do! Yes, you have, Dimple. Put everything you love away and prepare your actual mind for years of torture! At least Dimple has grown out of Barbies. She won’t have to go through seeing her favourite doll with a completely shaven head trying to ride the vicious dog that lives 3 doors away.

  6.27 p.m.

  Just want to say my brother put Barbie on the dog. I wasn’t saying she got up by herself or anything.

  Brothers TORTURE TOYS.

  FRIDAY 12TH MARCH

  4.19 p.m.

  Dimple is totally upset about Jen because she texted Jen with the news about her mum and she texted back:

  Congratulations! BTW, do you think I should go blonde?

  Jen, what is going on?! No one in the underworld is blonde!

  SATURDAY 13TH MARCH

  11.51 a.m.

  Goose has invited me to the cinema tonight. OMG! Perhaps this is it! I’m OBVIOUSLY going! He likes geek films normally but it will take my mind off Jen and her being a member of the MGK evil posse.

  9.46 p.m.

  Back from the cinema with Goose. OF COURSE IT WASN’T “IT”! GIVE UP, HATTIE! STOP THE HEART TORTURE! We saw a Transformers film. It was JUST noise and machines banging each other on the head. We could only hear it a bit though because a group of boys at the back, including Nicky Bainton, were having a “Who can blow a piece of popcorn from their nose the furthest?” competition. The manager came in with this security guard and threatened to throw them out but not before one of them had moved on to trying to blow nachos out of his nose. He said he would sue them as the cheese was too hot and his nostril was “scarred for life”! THEN Nicky Bainton came and sat by me and Goose and started saying how good it was to see me out, and did I come here often? Goose looked cross but didn’t say anything. He didn’t say much on the way home either. I think if Goose could take Freak to the cinema he would.

  Nicky is actually really funny when you get to know him.

  SUNDAY 14TH MARCH

  1.29 p.m.

  Jen wants to see me and Dimple. She says it’s URGENT. Perhaps she’s having plastic surgery. Everything has gone mental.

  5.28 p.m.

  Jen has been brought to her senses by the moon phases. We have totally had an infiltrator in MGK’s gang. We now KNOW the following:

  • MGK thinks I am INTOLERANT!

  • MGK thinks I HAVE BETTER LEGS THAN HER but THAT I WEAR CHEAP CLOTHES!

  • MGK rings up her gang before they go out and makes them DETAIL what they are going to wear so she can make sure she ALWAYS looks best.

  • MGK eats MINI TINS OF SWEETCORN COLD FOR LUNCH ON THEIR OWN LIKE THAT IS NORMAL.

  • MGK hates her real name and would prefer to be another gemstone – say, “Diamond” or “Sapphire Slack” – LOL!

  MONDAY 15TH MARCH

  3.56 p.m.

  I’m definitely being asked to process too much information at the moment (got that phrase out of Mum’s Psychologies mag!). So basically, according to Jen, MGK talks about me all the time. It’s like she fancies me or something. Yet she STILL ignores me in real life and spreads gossip.

  6.35 p.m.

  Gran says MGK is jealous of ME?! Jealous of what?!

  • Braces.

  • No wardrobe.

  • An evil brother.

  • A worse relationship with our real dad.

  • A gran who still has some of Father Christmas’s nose in diamantes on her backside.

  10.02 p.m.

  THE BEST BREAKING NEWS EVER! Gran has fallen out with Matfield. Her “Blue Period Picasso” didn’t come up to the mark! Gran shouted, “I don’t come here to be criticized!” Matfield suggested that art WAS about criticism and perhaps Gran should consider learning a foreign language.

  Gran said, “I did tell her something in bloody French then and I walked out!”

  That’s her way of saying she swore.

  GRAN SWORE AT MATFIELD. LIVING THE DREAM.

  Gran is actually paying for my art crimes but I’m never telling her!

  TUESDAY 16TH MARCH

  5.46 p.m.

  MGK TOTALLY knows Jen has been talking! She keeps death-staring me and then today, after Science, she came up to me and said
:

  MGK: Have you heard from Dad?

  ME: You mean Keith?

  MGK: Yes – DAD. He emailed me the other day. It was a HUGE mail. I think he really sees me as someone he can talk to on his own level.

  I just walked off. She means intelligence level. She’s right – SLIGHT DOUGHNUT!

  6.49 p.m.

  Why hasn’t he emailed me?

  7.18 p.m.

  He HAS emailed me – it was in the “junk” folder.

  From:

  Date: March 10, 8:23:12 PM GMT

  To: Hattie Moore

  Subject: YOU!!!

  Dearest Hattie,

  How are you? Just want you to know I think of you often and how proud of you I am. You’re an amazing young woman and it was lovely spending time with you.

  How is school?

  K xxx

  Is THAT it?!

  MGK gets an essay and I get 3 sentences?!

  WEDNESDAY 17TH MARCH

  5.32 p.m.

  Came home to find my mum telling Rob and Nathan off for filling a rubber glove full of water and letting it off in the back garden. Apparently it was “massive”.

  ALL men are ALL 8 years old, ALL totally confusing and ALL RUBBISH.

  THURSDAY 18TH MARCH

  3.58 p.m.

  OMG – INSANITY SPECIAL!!!

  Dimple is ending the relationship with BHAVIN!

  Dimple said, “Mum is pregnant, Hattie! She needs help”. I said, “Dimps – you need to start putting yourself FIRST. Like Oprah says, you have to LOVE yourself before you can love anybody else!” Dimple says it’s not fair to put an extra burden on her parents at this time. I shouted at her, “IT’S SECRET – HOW WOULD IT?!”

  This is family loyalty gone mad. If I had a Bhavin, I wouldn’t give him up for anyone!

  4.34 p.m.

  That’s not true. I wouldn’t want to hurt my family again for anyone. Except for you know who – and they all love him anyway.

  FRIDAY 19TH MARCH

  4.28 p.m.

  Dimple was a bit down at school today. She told Bhavin it was over by text! He was really upset (he did about 20 sad faces) but he “understood”! UNDERSTOOD?! Those 2 were totally marriage material and they’ve given up their max pash without even a goodbye SNOG!

  Dimple said clean breaks are good. No, they are not. They hurt. You can’t just give up on people – even if your family need you or they do things that totally annoy you.

  7.46 p.m.

  LOL!

  Nathan is furious. He has been unemployed for so long that they are making him do unpaid work. It’s for “experience”. Mum thinks it’s disgusting that Nathan is being forced to work for free. She was cursing about the government. Then Gran started saying all this stuff.

  GRAN: It will do you good, boy! Your mum spoils you rotten. She still buys you Cheesestrings and Happy Face biscuits!

  NATHAN: You have no idea, Gran. It’s terrible out there. There are NO jobs!

  GRAN: Yes – you are right, Nathan! There are no jobs for people who get up past noon, go to bed at 4 in the morning, have hardly any qualifications and want to be paid £40 an hour!

  NATHAN: I am prepared to go to work.

  GRAN: I’m prepared to let you! It’s about time you paid for my pension. In fact I might get a little job myself. I fancy some company and a bit of spending money.

  I LOVE GRAN.

  She clearly won’t get a job but she’s really upset Nathan!!!

  SATURDAY 20TH MARCH

  5.27 p.m.

  Gran is applying for jobs. She has done her CV. It’s about 3 lines.

  In my nearly 70 years on this Earth I have done every job known to man, had a child and managed a home with a husband in prison without any state benefits. There is nothing I won’t do or try. I have a doctorate from the University of Life.

  It’s good to see her coming clean about her past and Grandad’s criminal record but she’s got no chance getting a job!

  SUNDAY 21ST MARCH

  8.35 p.m.

  My brother is such a GO-GETTER!

  HE got up about noon. That’s like 6 a.m. for him! When I asked him what he was going to do for the rest of the day, he said, “What’s it got to do with you, Tatty?!” (the not-funny name he calls me).

  Then Nathan did NOTHING all day except eat 2-finger Kit Kats and watch the Antiques Roadshow while playing “Guess how much it’s worth” and “Will the old bag bringing it be disappointed” with Rob!

  I don’t think that is a skills requirement for any job except for being a TV collectables expert AND they make you wash before you go in front of the camera. That means Nathan is out – LOL!

  MONDAY 22ND MARCH

  5.37 p.m.

  We were talking about careers today at school. Dimple is definitely going to university. Can I even afford to go? Weirdo Jen wants to open her own “retail venture” (that’s what you call a shop if you want to get a bank to give you money, her dad says). MGK wants to be a fashion buyer. Dibbo Hannah said, “You already are – you get stuff from the Internet, don’t you?!”

  LOL! We all agreed Dibbo Hannah should be a stand-up comedian!

  6.43 p.m.

  Dibbo Hannah wasn’t trying to be funny, BTW – she was just being Dibbo Hannah.

  I’m still not quite sure what I want to do.

  8.09 p.m.

  Nathan is watching Lady and the Tramp in his room. The good thing is, Nathan has proved you can just stay here with Mum basically for ever until you decide what you REALLY want to do.

  TUESDAY 23RD MARCH

  6.12 p.m.

  AMAZEBALLS!

  Gran has an interview at the supermarket around the corner. The manager wants to see her as he thinks she’s just the sort of person he’s looking for!

  So the manager is looking for old ladies with mad dogs who don’t know what to do with vajazzles.

  That doesn’t sound good for Nathan.

  WEDNESDAY 24TH MARCH

  7.12 p.m.

  Gran has got the job! Apparently the supermarket like people of a mature age as “they know how to work hard, whereas young people think it all arrives on a plate in life”.

  Gran is thrilled – she gets a 15% off discount staff card and has to wear BRIGHT red every day. She said, “My shirt is in ‘Cherry Dream’. It makes me look fabulous. I may be nearly 70 but the truth is, Hattie, men still find me fascinating.”

  OMG – I WISH I WAS!

  8.25 p.m.

  I’ve just been to see Goose. He thinks Gran is taking a job off a young person who really needs it. This may be true but when I told Nathan that Gran had got a job he texted her a “Congratulations” message! He’s not bothered that he has missed out on being employed. He’s just glad he’s not filling the fresh produce counter with carrots and Gran is!

  Goose is grumpy a lot these days. A lot. I just seem to annoy him. Whatever I do. Why do I even bother?

  9.01 p.m.

  Gran just told me she won’t be “replenishing stock” – she’ll be operating the lottery machine and selling cigarettes in the kiosk. “I don’t do heavy lifting, Hattie – I’ll leave that to the tiny number of young people who have decided they do want to work!”

  I’ve noticed everybody over 30 has a really nasty streak and thinks they have had it really hard. I’m never going to end up like that. I’ll always be nice to teenagers. I’ll never forget how MENTAL it all is. I will never forget the trauma of watching a gran make her dog pretend she is a customer wanting to buy a multi-entry lottery ticket on a triple rollover week.

  9.36 p.m.

  I just asked Gran what she will miss about her life whilst she is at work. Gran said, “I will miss going to funerals, Hattie. I go to funerals to get ideas.”

  Like I say, I will NEVER forget.

  THURSDAY 25TH MARCH

  7.25 a.m.

  Gran is being sent on a vegetable and fruit recognition course today. It’s standard supermarket pro
cedure apparently. No matter what department you work in you have to know a pomegranate from a sweet potato.

  3.39 p.m.

  Gran just texted:

  Hattie – what is the point of star fruit?

  I should be thinking about MY future, not directing Gran on dessert.

  FRIDAY 26TH MARCH

  6.45 p.m.

  Everybody was talking today about what they are doing at the weekend.

  Dimple – helping her mum put the new cot together.

  Weirdo Jen – going out with Simon for a “paranormal tour” – aka “snogging”.

  MGK – clothes shopping with her mum and her “stepdad’s big credit card”. (She did a rubbish little giggle – ARGH!!!)

  Mum – hot Bath. Good Housekeeping. Glass of Pinot Noir.