OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! Read online

Goose and Rob – boot sale (Rob doesn’t annoy him).

  Nathan – playing snooker with his mate, Mo.

  Gran – supermarket social night.

  Hattie – nothing. NOTHING.

  Just moaned to Mum. She said that the “world is at my feet” and I should go off and do something. Then she asked, “Are you too old to be a Brownie, Hattie?”

  Yes, Mum.

  She suggested Brownies after a bath and a red wine. Sometimes she can have 5 baths in one weekend.

  7.47 p.m.

  Dimple just messaged me a photo of a cot. I love you, Dimple, but it is just basically a cot. You put a baby in it. Whoop-de-doo.

  I NEED PASH! I’m getting baby-bored middle-aged conversations before I’ve even had the HOT snogging.

  8.56 p.m.

  Just tried having a long bath. It’s boring. I ended up looking at my feet for about 10 minutes. They are foul. I think I can live with my tiny boobs but my feet are TOTALLY deformed.

  9.32 p.m.

  OMG – according to a web page I just found toe cleavage is as important as breast cleavage and surgery CAN make my feet prettier.

  The page doesn’t give the price of the surgery but it must be more than the £12.68 I’ve got left from my Christmas money.

  10.11 p.m.

  Text from Jen:

  Think we just saw a ghost by the cathedral!

  Ghosts may be dead but at least they just get to float without worrying about how their feet look in pumps.

  SATURDAY 27TH MARCH

  9.24 p.m.

  Gran just rang my mob to say that the supermarket do was totally craptacular. For 400 people there were 3 plates of ribs, 2 platters of chicken and 2 bowls of fries. PLUS the Tom Jones impersonator only knew 3 songs. Gran had to leave – she was livid. She said, “If people pay good money they should get more than some middle-aged man in a wig threatening to make himself a prime contender for a hip replacement. I’ve had a better buffet at a…”

  Funeral. YES, WE KNOW, Gran.

  Why do old people talk about death ALL of the time?!

  10.10 p.m.

  Old people AND Weirdo Jen.

  10.32 p.m.

  Perhaps because everyone else is busy at the moment this is the perfect time to work on ME!

  10.54 p.m.

  I’m reading an article in a mag called “FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOU IN A WEEK!” I’ll try it tomorrow.

  SUNDAY 28TH MARCH

  8.23 a.m.

  “FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOU IN A WEEK!” suggests getting everyone round for a DVD night and between films asking everyone to write down what they love about all the other people in the room.

  MAHOOSIVELY good idea. I’m going to do it!

  9.25 a.m.

  Dimple says her mum is really struggling with being pregnant at the moment and she can’t really commit to a night for definite. She has to be around if her mum starts crying or wants a jacket potato (apparently every 5 minutes) but she’ll message me.

  11.04 a.m.

  Weirdo Jen says she’ll text me when she’s got a date that she’s free. She’s spending all her time with Simon at the moment on “their planet”.

  Their planet is actually THIS planet. I saw them at the petrol station the other night buying a grab bag of Quavers.

  Goose? No – no more disappointment. Fed up of dates that are actually just mates.

  Boys and babies ruin everything.

  MONDAY 29TH MARCH

  7.02 p.m.

  Nothing happened again today except for Gran taking over the supermarket social committee. The first thing she has organized is a bingo night. The under-30s aren’t very happy. Gran said, “No wonder the parties have been so bad. The lady who used to run things had a beautifully made-up face but the dirtiest neck I have ever seen.”

  8.18 p.m.

  No word today from Dimple or Jen.

  I can’t believe I am saying this: I wish I was at school.

  TUESDAY 30TH MARCH

  4.04 p.m.

  The couple over the road were having a hell of a row this afternoon. They were swearing every other word! It was max chav! I had to go upstairs for a better look!

  5.05 p.m.

  OMG – I’m actually turning into Gran!

  5.12 p.m.

  No, I’m just bored. Can’t show Mum I’m bored though – she’ll make me clean the bath.

  6.26 p.m.

  I’m still stuck on Step 1 of “FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOU IN A WEEK!” I don’t think it’s going to happen.

  7.47 p.m.

  Weirdo Jen has just posted a photo of her and Simon in a tent in her back garden celebrating “Spring”.

  It’s definitely not going to happen.

  I have too much time to think and my thinking leads to a Goose cul-de-sac every time. The cul-de-sac of dashed hopes, exotic pets and … stuff.

  WEDNESDAY 31ST MARCH

  6.28 p.m.

  Gran was called into the supermarket office today and asked by Roger the general manager if she’d seen “anything strange” whilst she was on the morning shift the other day. She said she hadn’t. Roger then showed her some CCTV footage. A man shoplifted 5 bottles of whisky, a widescreen TV and 12 pots of yoghurt at exactly 11.12 a.m. during Gran’s morning shift.

  Gran missed it all because she was doing Irish dancing with Elsie in the kiosk.

  On the footage you could see Gran and Elsie flinging their arms in the air whilst the bloke walked out with a massive trolley. Scott from security was on a cigarette break – and the kiosk is meant to take “extra care” when he is not around. They didn’t. They did what Roger called “a carefree jig”.

  They don’t think Gran is “in on the scam” (they MUST suspect a bit – she was married to a thief) BUT she’s in trouble for not paying attention.

  Roger said that the company was “very sensitive to other cultures, including Celtic traditions – but there’s not really a place for cultural expressions when stock is at risk”.

  Gran decided she’s only up to working part-time. Roger agrees it’s a good idea.

  THURSDAY 1ST APRIL

  11.25 a.m.

  OMG!

  OMG!

  OMG!

  Goose and Rob bought an ornament from the boot sale on Sunday for £2 and it’s worth £150,000!!! Rob says they’ve had it valued. It’s Ching Dynasty China – you can tell on the bottom!

  Mum is screaming, “Finally I can get the dishwasher fixed!” She is LOONY happy. She keeps breaking her nails washing up.

  1.25 p.m.

  Gran is THRILLED. She said, “I told your mother they’d strike gold. She just thought Rob was avoiding doing the crazy paving in the garden.”

  Hattie is thinking, “HELLO, VERSACE – OR SOME DECENT CLOTHES!”

  3.37 p.m.

  April Fool AGAIN.

  Goose and Rob have just admitted it’s an April Fool. Of course it is. NOTHING that good could ever happen. Gran and Mum are livid. Mum had already been to the shop and bought some Finish “diamond standard” Powerball dishwasher tablets. “I had dreams of unloading that machine,” she said. She looked like she was about to cry!

  4.23 p.m.

  Goose and me have just had a MASSIVE ROW…

  ME: Thanks for the MASS DISAPPOINTMENT SESSION, GOOSE!

  GOOSE: It was just a joke, Hattie.

  ME: Well, you got our hopes up and let us down. You’re actually very good at that.

  GOOSE: WHAT?!

  ME: It’s becoming a bit of a habit!

  GOOSE: You’re a FINE one to talk, HATTIE MOORE!

  ME: Meaning?

  GOOSE: Meaning?!

  ME: Goose … just … I don’t care any more…

  GOOSE: ME NEITHER.

  ME: Fine. Right, I’ve got to go and wash up. Mum is too gutted to face it tonight – she thought she was getting a dishwasher. Thanks for that TOO.

  And no, I’m not apologizing. Not this time.

  6.17 p.m.

  Gran has asked Nathan if he wants to take over some of
her shifts at the supermarket. Nathan didn’t think it was really “him”. What IS Nathan? That is a question I have been asking all of my life?

  I’m going to the library tomorrow. I KNOW! GEEK AHOY! BUT it’s free, they have good films and it’s not next door to Goose.

  Oh, Goose.

  I’m sorry.

  But I’m sick of saying it.

  FRIDAY 2ND APRIL

  4.12 p.m.

  BREAKING NEWS!

  TOTAL LIBRARY SHOCK!

  Was just minding my own business in the library when I saw Nicky “bad boy” Bainton. He was reading Of Mice and Men in a big chair! That’s the sort of book school MAKES you read! He didn’t see me but he looked AMAZEBALLS. He’s had a massive haircut – in aid of a cancer research charity apparently. He has gone from grubby boy to TOTAL chiselled fitty! I can’t believe it! I told Mum, “ALL the boys should now get the chop.” Mum laughed but Rob just looked odd and said, “Don’t say ‘the chop’ – it means something else. And I’ve had it. Hair grows back, Hattie.”

  Men talk another language. They are totally from Jupiter!

  5.04 p.m.

  MARS! Men are from Mars! It’s all planets! The point is it’s miles away and we haven’t got a clue what language they speak there!

  5.26 p.m.

  OR if there is any intelligent life there at all!

  Goose is from another black-hole galaxy worm-hole thingy – the sort of mental thing that Brian Cox goes on about.

  SATURDAY 3RD APRIL

  6.12 p.m.

  I went to see Gran this afternoon. She was moaning about her weight again. She is on the Postnatal Diet – even though she had her baby nearly 40 years ago! She says Mum made her “stick on weight” and now she looks “chubby in her cherry shirt”.

  How long can you blame your family for your terrible life?

  6.49 p.m.

  Answer – FOR EVER.

  SUNDAY 4TH APRIL

  10.02 a.m.

  EASTER – new starts and all that. And thanks, MUM – 2 eggs this year … and one is a Crunchie. The bits get stuck in my braces but who cares?!

  12.34 p.m.

  “FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOU IN A WEEK!” has failed but at least I’ve found out that the library is actually a not completely dullster place. Mum told me it was a good place when I was 7. What else is she right about?!

  2.13 p.m.

  Going to the library again tomorrow. Perhaps it’s good that Dimple, Jen and me are spending some time apart. We can’t be together for ever. Mum never talks to people from her school!

  That makes me want to cry.

  3.03 p.m.

  OMG – think of a time when MGK is not THERE EVERY DAY! HEAVEN!

  MONDAY 5TH APRIL

  11.23 a.m.

  The library is shut on a bank holiday! Why do interesting places shut on a boring day?!

  5.45 p.m.

  Just been round to see Weirdo Jen. I told her about Nicky. She didn’t seem that shocked. She says that Nicky Bainton spends a lot of time out of his house because his parents are a TOTAL NIGHTMARE. When I said, “Aren’t everyone’s!?” Jen sort of whispered, “No – they really are. His mum shouts at everyone and his dad is always in slippers.”

  Then she said, “OMG – you don’t fancy him, do you, Hattie?! He is BREAKING BAD NEWS CENTRAL!”

  I told her “no”. But the truth is, I’m … just not sure.

  I feel bad now. I’m not sure what for but I do. Gran would tell me to stop moping.

  Goose might get it but hasn’t said sorry for the April Fool’s non-joke and I am NOT really feeling like speaking to him.

  TUESDAY 6TH APRIL

  3.12 p.m.

  Nicky “bad boy” Bainton has slightly broken his ankle! I helped him up the stairs at the library. He looked at me sort of embarrassed and said, “Thanks Moore-on – without my hair I lost my balance.” He looks sexy with crutches. I like vulnerability.

  4.01 p.m.

  Did I just write “I like vulnerability”?!

  I may be a bit of an idiot.

  I am an idiot. I haven’t spoken to Goose for nearly a week. I miss him. I even miss Freak.

  WEDNESDAY 7TH APRIL

  8.12 a.m.

  UNBELIEVABLE! An email from Keith:

  From:

  Date: April 6, 11:09:47 PM GMT

  To: Hattie Moore

  Subject: Summer

  Hats – are you coming in the summer? I need to book your flight.

  Dear KEITH – thanks for getting in touch with another tiny email that is almost certainly smaller than MGK’s. Love, Hattie x

  1.27 p.m.

  Am I going? In situations like this, Gran always says make a “for and against” list.

  FOR AGAINST

  It’s abroad.

  He’s my dad.

  Australia looks amazing.

  He will like MGK more than me if I don’t.

  What if I hate it?!

  What if I’ve found the love of my life by then and a long-distance relationship won’t work?!

  4.26 p.m.

  Gran has looked at my “for and against” list. She just said, “It’s an experience, Hattie.”

  That’s what she said when Mum had her gall bladder out.

  5.12 p.m.

  I should give Keith more of a chance. He’s not like Nicky’s parents. I suppose he’s trying to do something a bit good.

  THURSDAY 8TH APRIL

  6.12 p.m.

  Unbelievable!

  I went to the library again today. I saw Nicky and just nodded at him. HE CAME OVER!

  FULL CHAT:

  NICKY: Hello, Hattie (Not Moore-on!). What are you doing here?

  ME: Oh, just … looking at stuff.

  NICKY: Do you read a lot?

  ME: A bit.

  NICKY: What sort of stuff?

  ME: Mice! (WHY DID I SAY THAT? WHY DO I NEVER GET IT RIGHT?)

  NICKY: Er… Do you want to come to the cinema? ‘Cos I’m on these I can get the comfy disabled seats. (He wobbled his crutches.)

  ME: Yeah, OK. Text me. (I sounded cool with that!)

  I think I may fancy him. He’s mysterious and there’s just a bit of danger about him.

  8.08 p.m.

  Just told Dimple about Nicky. She said being in plaster does not make you dangerous. It just makes you stupid.

  I could get cross but I think she STILL misses Bhavin.

  FRIDAY 9TH APRIL

  4.15 p.m.

  I just think I could help Nicky bring out his sensitive side. His deep side. The side that reads classics underneath his jumper.

  7.04 p.m.

  Told Gran about Nicky. She reckons I am trying to change him already and changing a man takes a “military mission” and “usually ends in total defeat for the woman – it’s kamikaze, Hattie, trust me.”

  8.07 p.m.

  Kamikaze were pilots who went on suicide missions. OMG – there’ve been total nutters in the sky for over 80 years!

  SATURDAY 10TH APRIL

  2.35 p.m.

  Jen and me had a row debate about Nicky. She thinks it’s ethically wrong to use the disabled seats at the cinema BUT she agrees it’s fine at Asda for my mum to use the “mother and baby” parking spaces when she goes shopping with Gran.

  Why aren’t my friends HAPPY FOR ME? It’s apparently FINE for THEM to have boyfriends but NOT me?! Is THAT FAIR?! NO!

  SUNDAY 11TH APRIL

  9.32 p.m.

  Nicky has asked me to the cinema tomorrow. It’s the first day back at school but Mum says she appreciates I haven’t seen many of my friends and I can go as long as I’m back early.

  10.28 p.m.

  OMG – I think Mum feels sorry for me! That’s tragic.

  MONDAY 12TH APRIL

  5.39 p.m.

  It was great to be back with Dimple and Jen today but Dimple was mainly moaning about her mum and Jen was mainly mooning about Simon. I was a bit bored by lunch. Then both of the
m started going on about Nicky again like he is a major criminal, and “Why didn’t I go out with someone a bit nicer?” When I said, “Like who?!” they just looked at each other. Helpful. NOT.

  I can go out with WHO I like. Everyone deserves a chance. Weirdo Jen reckons she is so open to different beings but she is NOT. Apparently they don’t want me to get “hurt”. BUT it already hurts feeling like such a single doughnut.

  MGK has got a new boyfriend with a CAR. Everyone agrees she’s a cow but brilliant at the same time. She IS a cow and she IS brilliant and she is STILL my half-sister. Why can’t I have her attracting-men jeans?!