OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! Read online

  But instead I said he was nice.

  CRAPTACULAR.

  S

  ATURDAY 9

  TH J

  ANUARY

  3.39 p.m.

  Keith ended up being involved in a protest in a shopping centre today about terrible conditions in third-world factories. He got carried out by security guards. He said, “What has happened to Britain? They used to allow peaceful protests.” Gran said, “Bloody attention-seeking idiots were outlawed in 1998. Besides, instead of making a fool of yourself over third-world working conditions how about putting things right by getting closer to Nathan? What about getting a relationship with your son? Poor boy has been knocked sideways by all this. You ignored him as a baby and now you’re ignoring him as an adult. DOUBLE REJECTION.”

  Keith said, “But he won’t speak to me.”

  Gran yelled, “Try bloody harder.”

  Keith didn’t say anything for ages and then said, “You’re right, Violet… You’re totally right.”

  Gran snapped, “Yes, I am. And stop calling me Violet.”

  Good luck with that one, Keith!

  5.12 p.m.

  OMG – I just found out that Weirdo Jen joined Keith on the protest. I have told her I don’t want her hanging out with him. I have already asked Dimple to tell Jen how hard it was for me that JEN seemed to click with him more. Jen looked a bit embarrassed and said it was just really hard to find people around Derby that cared about the fate of penguins AND believed in ancient Mayan prophecies (???).

  Did the ancient Mayans predict my dad could be a bit of a tit?!

  S

  UNDAY 10

  TH J

  ANUARY

  11.22 a.m.

  Got up this morning to find a note from my brother pinned to the kitchen wall:

  Only my brother could cause havoc with a sausage!

  11.57 a.m.

  KEITH HAS JUST SPENT 20 MINUTES SURGICALLY REMOVING THE SAUSAGE!

  He said it was a “complicated job” but “quite easy” for a plumber. Keith said, “When you’ve removed an entire man’s shirt from a bathroom system, Hattie, a sausage is a piece of cake.”

  Nathan just grunted something, made himself a full fry-up and took it to his bedroom.

  OMG! RUDE! I know Keith deserted us but if he gets the oven to actually work again he AT LEAST deserves a “TA, MATE”. I realize that would mean Nathan using a sentence of more than 1 word but COME ON!

  12.35 p.m.

  Nathan and me have just had the following discussion FULL-ON argument:

  ME: That was a really kind thing to do.

  NATHAN: What?

  ME: Rescuing the sausage!

  NATHAN: Hattie – removing a pork product from the back of an oven does not make up for leaving Mum, having nothing to do with us FOR ALL OUR LIVES and turning up only because YOU, MISS BLOODY MARPLE, go looking for him.

  ME: It’s MEAT. He hates MEAT. He touched MEAT so you could eat MORE FRIED DEAD THINGS!

  NATHAN: So that means I should just forgive and forget everything?!

  You can’t argue with him. Keith overheard and said, “Thank you for trying, Hattie – that’s really kind.”

  The weird thing is, I would LOVE Keith and Nathan to get on, but the thought of him getting on with MGK is just … WRONG. But then, how could he? She is EVERYTHING that he should NOT like.

  4.46 p.m.

  Keith came back after 2 and a half hours this afternoon and announced he’d been on a “nature walk” with MGK. Apparently she loves deer. MGK loves deer?! Since when?!

  I want massive antlers so I can BUTT MGK in her perfect bum.

  M

  ONDAY 11

  TH J

  ANUARY

  4.23 p.m.

  In English today Dr Richards told us we had to write about a TV show that we hate. Dimple wrote about EastEnders as there is too much sex in it – apparently watching it with her parents is like “slowly dying of embarrassment”. Her dad starts coughing and her mum has a sudden need to descale the kettle. Weirdo Jen said she hated most TV as it stopped her “experiencing the actual fabric of reality and feeling nature” – though she did like things with David Attenborough (Jen, are you 80?).

  I said I hated the Green Balloon Club as children should be kept from arguments about the environment – it’s totally boring and not all about being nice to badgers.

  Keith has made me cross about badgers a bit. It’s not their fault. I don’t want them culled. I just want them to, in their stripy way, STOP MGK and Keith clicking!

  7.57 p.m.

  Shouldn’t I feel closer to Keith by now? Shouldn’t there be something DEEP and biological that just kicks in? Sometimes I just feel annoyed by him – he “embraces” the sun every morning. Jen does that and I LOVE her. Why don’t I love Keith COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY like Mum and Rob?!

  I love Rob more than my REAL dad. That’s not right, is it?

  T

  UESDAY 12

  TH J

  ANUARY

  4.32 p.m.

  MAHOOSIVE downer.

  Me and Jen have totally fallen out.

  I’m gutted.

  Jen said that ever since my dad arrived I’ve changed. Apparently I’ve been “deliberately argumentative” (she always uses too-long words) about “things that really matter now”!

  I said, “Jen, I would actually put an ENTIRE whale in a sandwich RIGHT NOW. I am so sick of everything being GREEN.” Jen said that was the most stupid thing she had EVER heard and it showed how little I knew because you would never find bread big enough to fit a whale in. Even a wafer-thin slice! Then she stormed off.

  Jen’s aura is not golden – it is very red and unreasonable and she puts sea mammals before her friends.

  5.39 p.m.

  This is partly Keith’s fault – I was sympathetic to Jen’s weirdoness before HE happened.

  7.11 p.m.

  I hate falling out with Jen – she’s like my mad weird sister. More than MGK will EVER be. I was an idiot.

  9.23 p.m.

  Weirdo Jen and me gave each other a hug and we both said sorry. She said she just wanted me to be “open-minded”. I promised I’d never eat an endangered-animal sandwich even if I found a roll big enough. I also told her I loved her and I’m open to her. I’m just closed to Keith. The truth is, he’s hurt me. I thought he would LOVE me and be my friend. He’s just a friend of the Earth. There’s no room for the actual people who live on it in Keith’s brain.

  9.51 p.m.

  The terrible truth is I think Keith would love me more and GET me more if I was a squid.

  W

  EDNESDAY 13

  TH J

  ANUARY

  8.12 p.m.

  It’s the middle of January and I am nowhere near finding love. Inside my heart I thought me and Goose would be planning holidays by now.

  9.34 p.m.

  Just remembered! Something happened today that confirmed my belief that men never grow up. The boys all started playing “Spot the Penis” in a Chemistry for You textbook during break. Basically Nicky “bad boy” Bainton had drawn tiny men’s bits in the illustrations and photos and the other boys had to find them. There was one in the photo of the man at the petrol station, one in the illustration of an atom and 2 in the periodic table. This was apparently HILARIOUS.

  I’m definitely becoming a feminist – but a feminist with a love agenda.

  9.54 p.m.

  Dimple and Weirdo Jen agree feminism is the way to go. As long as you can still wax and snog.

  T

  HURSDAY 14

  TH J

  ANUARY

  6.24 p.m.

  Out of the blue! (Men are FOR EVER immature and totally unpredictable!)

  Keith has suggested that “we” go and see him in Australia over the summer holiday. “We” cannot mean Nathan after the sausage. That sausage SEALED it. IT MUST MEAN ME AND MGK.

  1. WITH MGK?!!

  2. That’s MILES off anyway.

  3.
What if I’m in a relationship?

  4. Does a feminist do what a man wants her to do?!

  Dimple and Weirdo Jen think it’s the chance of a lifetime. If I do go I will Skype them every day!

  7.12 p.m.

  OMG! Keith doesn’t have the Internet! He goes to the library to write his blog! I can’t go to that level of country-style backwardness!

  7.39 p.m.

  I can totally tell that Mum is secretly so THRILLED that me and Keith aren’t best friends by now. I must make more effort with him.

  8.27 p.m.

  Goose (who likes everyone) admitted today that he doesn’t exactly LOVE Keith either. He thinks he’s a MASSIVE kid. “And if he upsets you at ALL, Hattie, I don’t like him anyway.” ENORMOUS DORKERY – but cute!

  8.42 p.m.

  Very cute.

  TOTALLY cute. BUT he’s not interested. He’s like all men. Reptiles and mammals and trees come first.

  Actually that’s not fair. Rob puts me first.

  8.58 p.m.

  He does love his car though. He calls her Pat – after an ex-girlfriend who, he says “was wonderful to be with and easy to control”. LOL!

  9.52 p.m.

  Actually that’s not funny – that’s SEXIST! Is Rob a secret anti-feminist person?!

  10.22 p.m.

  I just asked Rob if he believed in the power of women. He said totally. He believes in the power of women, except in 3-point turns. Apparently we can’t do those as well as men.

  10.49 p.m.

  Mum heard Rob say that men are better at driving than women and went mental at him! They are now having a competition in the road. It’s nearly 11 at night!

  11.02 p.m.

  Rob beat Mum but only because she said she had to do an emergency stop to avoid a cat. Now she is shouting at Rob that men have to win no matter what and that “preserving life is more important”. Apparently this is why men start wars!

  The thing is, as women, do we need to get tougher and squash pets to win the battle of the sexes?

  11.32 p.m.

  Goose just texted to say he saw my mum save the cat and he thought it was amazing. Goose is what my gran calls one of these “new men – they even do the hoovering if you ask them and hand-wash your tights”!

  I wish he was my man. OH, GOOSE – WHY DIDN’T YOU SEE MY LUST STORM?!

  F

  RIDAY 15

  TH J

  ANUARY

  4.47 p.m.

  Dear MGK – STOP SMIRKING at me at the side of your actual face every day at school. You are getting totally on my nerves.

  Love, Whatever,

  Hattie

  7.23 p.m.

  I just can’t think of romance properly while Keith is around. I should be building my relationship with him but IT’S HARD. I look a bit like him but that’s it. He’s OK. Sometimes he’s actually really sweet, but then he does mad stuff. Gran says she’s even had to hide her broken biscuits because he doesn’t like preservatives and E numbers.

  7.55 p.m.

  OMG – perhaps MGK is right. Perhaps Gran does have a lorry-driver boyfriend who brings her stolen goods off the back of his truck!

  8.29 p.m.

  I asked Gran about the biscuits. She looked a bit weird and said it was someone she knew with a “connection”. Her pensioners’ club is just full of old people doing illegal stuff because the police would never suspect them. Apparently no one thinks you’re a criminal if you’ve got a Zimmer frame or if you buy seedless raspberry jam (“seeds play merry hell with your dentures”).

  9.14 p.m.

  I wonder if I’m a stealing genius like my grandad the thieving postie. Perhaps it’s genetic. I’ve realized a lot of things are. I think I do get my caring bit from Keith despite the fact that he totally left us.

  9.35 p.m.

  Gran says I’m not built for a life of crime. She can tell I’m lying just by the way my knee twitches. Apparently I’d crack easily under interrogation and torture.

  9.59 p.m.

  Keith wants to spend time with me tomorrow. I hope it doesn’t involve deer.

  S

  ATURDAY 16

  TH J

  ANUARY

  4.55 p.m.

  MENTAL DAY!

  I went to see Keith and Gran. Gran irons shirts before she sends them to charity shops! She says, “Even really poor people and the homeless should have standards, Hattie – how else will they get a job?”

  Keith was very impressed that Gran recycles clothes. When she heard this Gran threatened to just put clothes in the bin – and she didn’t mean the recycling one!

  Then Keith decided we should “upcycle” Gran’s dreadful wardrobe into something “retro fabulous”. It’s apparently what he does on his “occasional” market stall. This is the wardrobe that no one speaks of. The BAD family secret that Mum warned me about. Gran’s wardrobe – the wardrobe of PURE FASH HORROR! The wardrobe stacked full of BAD TASTE BARGAINS AND NEEDLEWORK GONE WRONG.

  While we were sorting through Gran’s stuff I asked Keith why he’d left and NEVER got in touch. I think I wanted some better answers.

  KEITH: Hattie, I was a very different person back then. I couldn’t cope with the chaos I’d created. Your gran said it was best for me to go, too. She was right. They needed plumbers in Australia and I – look – I just wasn’t very nice. That’s the truth.

  ME: But didn’t you ever think of me? Of us?

  KEITH: Yes. Of course. ALL the time. BUT it’s not simple. It seems like a different world down there. It’s so far away. This place seemed like a different planet. I was changing too. I could start again. No one knew me. I ran away, I suppose. I thought if I got in touch it would…

  ME: Would what?

  KEITH: Complicate things. Rob has been an amazing dad to you.

  ME: I know that! BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE GOT IN TOUCH.

  KEITH: I know. I’m sorry. I just began to see that I wasn’t anything special. Without all my lad friends egging me on I realized I had no friends and I’d messed up the real stuff. And Tasmania just made me realize the Earth matters. Beautiful mountains and streams and things hopping around in your garden. Look, please just spend tomorrow with me and let’s try to have a good time upcycling some of your gran’s stuff.

  ME: What, you think that blouse has got potential?

  KEITH: It’s perfect for upcycling, I’d say. Shall we try it tomorrow? What do you reckon?

  ME: I reckon customizing an old bit of clothing is bound to solve everything.

  This made Keith laugh and he said, “Hattie – I don’t think it will – BUT I like being with you. You’re smart and funny and a little bit sarcastic.”

  He didn’t add, “Not like MGK.” BUT he’s too kind to do that.

  S

  UNDAY 17

  TH J

  ANUARY

  5.38 p.m.

  It’s retro craptacular!

  Upcycling was a TOTAL LOL! NO ONE can rock crochet FRAYED brown waistcoats OR an over-the-knee skirt with a slit up the front that Keith made (badly – it just looks like a 4-centimetre rip!). You also cannot rock a grubby white handbag with a rainbow and stars doodled on it IN BIRO. The rainbow was in just 3 colours – black, blue and red. Keith said, “It’s the message that counts.” I told him that I would ring Vogue and report him! We ended up peeing ourselves.

  Gran caught us giggling at her awful wardrobe and called me a traitor.

  6.12 p.m.

  Keith and me bonded over Gran being mental. I feel a bit guilty but also a bit relieved.

  6.46 p.m.

  I’ve just realized everyone in Australia must look dreadful.

  7.13 p.m.

  They don’t wear a lot of clothes though because it’s so hot. You can’t really mess up a bikini!

  M

  ONDAY 18

  TH J

  ANUARY

  4.55 p.m.

  Like I haven’t got enough to deal with, EVIL teacher-torturer Matfield has decided we are doing a 3D ceramics projec
t in Art. We have to make an animal that we love or have loved. Florence Morse – ultimate rebel – said she went on a seaside holiday once and fell in love with a group of plankton. She just rolled her clay into loads of little dots. Matfield went mad at her for “disrespecting artistic materials”, so Florence went mad at her for “disrespecting a deeply held and fond childhood memory”. Then Matfield asked her what her animal was called. When Florence answered, “Plankton the plankton” Matfield went mad!

  What can I do? I could make Hammy the hamster but his face would be too hard. It’s the same with Sergeant Nibbles the guinea pig. Rodents have difficult faces to model!

  Trust Mum to give me pets that are artistically challenging.

  6.02 p.m.

  I definitely can’t do Princess. She doesn’t stay still long enough for you to even see what she looks like. Perhaps if I buy her some nice food I can do a sketch.