OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! Read online

  6.48 p.m.

  Gran says Princess likes M&S chicken slices. I can’t stretch to that – she will have to have Lidl slices.

  6.52 p.m.

  Jen just texted. She says this is my karma for calling Freak “Freak”.

  I’m going to have to try to make Princess.

  Wish I was spending more time with Freak. AND his owner.

  T

  UESDAY 19

  TH J

  ANUARY

  7.28 a.m.

  Just woke up feeling sick about clay.

  6.49 p.m.

  Went round to see Princess – she just ran off. Gran says she can sniff out low-price food. She won’t touch anything cheap. She can recognize the label. Keith, though, managed to do me a quick sketch of her. KEITH IS MY HERO (for the minute).

  Gran usually goes to zumba on a Tuesday but she’s decided that it’s actually just quick line dancing. That is at least the 202nd health fad she has given up. Princess uses her yoga mat to sleep on!

  7.24 p.m.

  Just remembered! Princess also buried Gran’s juicer in the back garden! She hasn’t missed it. She told us she cured her joint pain with a daily breakfast mix of carrot juice and wheatgrass! We know she really just has a cup of tea, a massive bowl of Frosties, 2 Nurofen and a nap in front of Homes Under the Hammer. She fancies Martin who hosts it! She says, “Lovely hair and he knows what to do with property. That ticks the boxes for me at my age, Hattie.”

  7.46 p.m.

  OMG – Keith decided to attack Gran tonight for being closed-minded, unsupportive to her daughter and unusual domestic situations. He also said she was someone who gives up on things too easily, like zumba. He actually meant being closed-minded to HIM!

  Now I think it’s funny when Keith takes the mickey out of Gran but THAT is NOT ON, because a) although Gran is mental she has always been there for us, and b) Keith is not in a position to criticize anyone giving up zumba when he gave up 3 kids. Anyway it made me sad and MAD and that’s when I said it:

  “You do realize, Keith, that the latest research shows you have messed up my relationships with men for life by abandoning me.”

  Keith actually got angry and refused to believe it.

  Then he just walked off in tears.

  8.26 p.m.

  Bet MGK didn’t say anything like THAT.

  MGK is officially more forgiving than me.

  I think that’s slightly depressing.

  W

  EDNESDAY 20

  TH J

  ANUARY

  4.01 p.m.

  My 3D ceramic sculpture of Princess has gone wrong. I may transform it into a gecko.

  4.55 p.m.

  How can I concentrate on recreating Freak out of basically mud when I’ve made Keith cry, Mum and Nathan seem to be sort of avoiding me, Gran is upset and even Rob is spending a lot of time in his shed?!

  I AM THE QUEEN OF FEELINGS MESS-MAKING.

  T

  HURSDAY 21

  ST J

  ANUARY

  7.01 p.m.

  Today Mr Thomas, the new and young teacher, kept asking me questions. Why? MGK said he fancied me as he’s a geek too. It wasn’t that. He admitted it’s because I’m the only name he can remember because it’s unusual.

  I stick out for all the wrong reasons – name, braces and BARKING family.

  7.36 p.m.

  Goose has just told me REALLY CASUALLY that he’s been asked on a cinema date by ANNA SHARPLES on Friday! He stared at me for ages after. What was I meant to say? “CONGRATULATIONS!”?

  Goose: Probably love of MY entire life ever – is going to the cinema with a girl called “The Tongue”.

  Keith: I’ve upset him and he seems to enjoy recycling more than me.

  Rest of family: Confused, upset, avoiding me (I don’t actually blame them.) – I think TOTALLY mad with me for finding my real dad.

  MGK: Gone green.

  Me: Gone green in a different way and may melt with envy again.

  F

  RIDAY 22

  ND J

  ANUARY

  5.15 p.m.

  Matfield told me today that my ceramics project does not look like either a dog or a gecko. I need to emotionally connect with it to “make it work”. I can’t emotionally connect to humans successfully – let alone clay.

  Nicky “bad boy” Bainton then spread it around that my ceramics project looked like “tits with a tail-y bit”. I’d tried to capture the gecko’s big eyes. He says I am making myself the boob job I have always wanted.

  I am dying a slow social death with clay in front of everyone in the school ever.

  6.30 p.m.

  I’ve decided I am officially changing its shape and turning it into a penguin. I’ve never had an emotional connection to one but I’ll lie.

  6.42 p.m.

  That’s not true – I love Pingu.

  S

  ATURDAY 23

  RD J

  ANUARY

  11.12 a.m.

  Goose came round. He went on a cinema date last night but he was more worried this morning about Freak the gecko. He apparently looked “off-colour” and wasn’t eating much! I told Goose that perhaps Freak needed more company (IN OTHER WORDS, TURN DOWN ANY DATES). I said, “Why don’t you wear him like a brooch! You’ll be fashion forward, Goose, and Freak will get to meet people!”

  Then Keith interrupted and said, “Using live animals as clothing is not acceptable.”

  YES! Thank you, Keith, for not being able to take a joke!

  When is Keith going home?!

  11.34 a.m.

  Just casually asked Keith – he says he has 2 passports and can stay as long as he wants.

  12.19 p.m.

  Gran has checked! Keith can stay as long as he wants but if he stays longer than 3 months he might have to start paying tax. She slipped this into a conversation with him. She tried to make it sound natural but it was totally obvious she was saying “get lost”. Gran said, “He HAS to go. He’s making my fridge vegetarian. I never thought I’d have tofu in my home. If people knew! The butcher wouldn’t give me bones for Princes any more!”

  6.38 p.m.

  Keith told Goose tonight that Freak is unhappy because he has been ripped from his natural habitat. According to Keith the reason he’s not eating is because he’s depressed.

  Goose is now going to avoid our house till Keith goes home. Great!

  7.22 p.m.

  EVERY adult in my life TOTALLY stops me from experiencing full-on PASH! It’s like one of the conspiracies that Jen talks about!

  Every adult except the US President and the big lizards disguised as humans that Jen thinks really run the world – they are NOT involved!

  7.42 p.m.

  OMG – unless Freak is in on it! He could be a gecko spy. Perhaps he is hunger-striking to stop me and Goose getting together!

  S

  UNDAY 24

  TH J

  ANUARY

  8.39 a.m.

  After 10 hours’ sleep I can see that Freak is just a gecko.

  4.29 p.m.

  UNBELIEVABLE!

  Keith has decided he is going home in a few days as HE HAS A LONG-TERM PARTNER. Er … WHY DID HE NOT MENTION THAT BEFORE?! I NOW SORT OF HAVE A STEPMOTHER TOO.

  Then he started going on again about how he wants all his kids to go to Australia. It’s the worst idea ever! 24 hours on a plane with MGK would be THE WORST! But then, I know she’ll get upgraded anyway because she looks like a model.

  A dad who was meant to make everything better has just made everything MORE COMPLICATED – and tomorrow it’s ART. That means MY CLAY PROJECT. At the moment it really is a massive craptacular triangle display of poo macarons!

  Or something.

  9.25 p.m.

  Mum has just been up and has been UNBELIEVABLE in an UNBELIEVABLY UNBELIEVABLE way.

  MUM: Hattie – I just want to say how proud I am of you.

  ME: If this is going to be you actually having a go at me, do
it – because, you know, I probably deserve it and—

  MUM: NO! This has been hard for you. But you’ve thought of other people and that is a … well it’s a lovely thing. I heard what you said to Nathan and … look, I don’t like what Keith’s done to the 2 most amazing and special people in my life BUT you’ve shown a lot of … thinking about us.

  ME: I didn’t think of you. I was a cow bag.

  MUM: You were a bit selfish – BUT that was your right… We should have been more honest.

  ME: But Mum – Keith just doesn’t get me like I thought he would. He—

  MUM: He DOES love you. He’s learning to be a parent. Give him a chance. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS AFTER WHAT THAT BAST— MAN DID TO ME, BUT he’s trying. And don’t forget, me and Rob are so PROUD of you.

  ME: Have I really upset Rob?

  MUM: Rob is your dad, Hattie. He loves you. He gets you. Don’t you worry about that.

  ME: Thanks, Mum.

  MUM: Now, do your homework.

  I love my mum. Even though she ends every conversation NAGGING ABOUT HOMEWORK.

  No – I love her.

  M

  ONDAY 25

  TH J

  ANUARY

  5.34 p.m.

  At school I tried to turn my clay-model penguin into something else as I couldn’t do a proper beak. According to Nicky “bad boy” Bainton it looked like something else.

  Yes, Nicky – it DID look TOTALLY like a willy SO I changed it to a fish.

  I’ve never bonded with a fish.

  Jen says I probably bonded with them in another aquatic lifetime. I don’t think that’s true. I’ve basically made a lemon with a face.

  T

  UESDAY 26

  TH J

  ANUARY

  5.26 p.m.

  Goose has been sensationally dumped by text after 1 cinema date as Anna Sharples said he couldn’t kiss properly! This is school romance reputation DEATH. Anna rates ALL the men she goes out with – and she understands full-on kissing more than ANYONE! The weird thing is, he’s not even bothered that he is currently filed under “Slurper Snog”. He’s more scared that Freak the gecko is now not eating anything at all.

  I love the way Goose doesn’t care what other people think of him and is more worried about his gecko. I wish I could be like that.

  I wish I could teach Goose how to kiss.

  6.13 p.m.

  I’ve googled it. Geckos can live for 30 years! Bet Goose hopes he stays on hunger strike. His LOVE LIFE is RUINED. He can’t go out when he wants to in case Freak gets hungry. Basically he’s a teenage father who can’t even claim any government benefits.

  Good. Don’t want him to go out with anyone else.

  W

  EDNESDAY 27

  TH J

  ANUARY

  3.58 p.m.

  It’s OFFICIAL! I can’t even make a clay fish. Matfield said my gills had made it look more like “a loaf of bread”.

  So I just rolled it into a long tube and said it was a snake. Matfield wanted to know when I’d EVER had a specialist pet. I told her that I have a massive python who swallows anyone I don’t like. This python only exists in my head but it’s VERY REAL to ME!

  At that point Matfield backed off. YES! DON’T MESS with a girl who has been through what I have been through. Weirdo Jen says I’m still in my emotional chrysalis. This is a nice way of saying I’m completely confused.

  T

  HURSDAY 28

  TH J

  ANUARY

  5.32 p.m.

  Keith is leaving on Sunday!

  WHAT HAVEN’T I SAID OR DONE YET?! What do I need to do? What should I do?

  Dimple says I’m thinking too deeply and may be torturing myself.

  F

  RIDAY 29

  TH J

  ANUARY

  7.24 p.m.

  Keith took me aside tonight for a “quiet word”.

  He said, “Look, I know it hasn’t been easy but I’ve realized being a parent takes so much more than I ever thought. You will soon learn, Hattie, that adults make mistakes (I know that, Keith – I’ve got MASSIVE METAL BRACES because of Mum!) and I’m going to try to make it up to both you and Ruby. And even Nathan if he’ll let me.”

  S

  ATURDAY 30

  TH J

  ANUARY

  8.12 p.m.

  Keith went round to MGK’s to say goodbye. He was gone for ages.

  9.45 p.m.

  OMG – I was bouncing a tennis ball against my wall and Nathan STORMED into my room and shouted, “Any chance you could STOP taking your mood out on the house?! I’m trying to watch The Walking Dead in my room. It’s not the wall’s fault you invited a New Age dork-head into the house.”

  I threw my ball at him. It missed.

  Then Nathan started to tear up and shout, “It’s OK for you, Hattie. You haven’t seen Mum SOBBING and SOBBING night after night. Hiding in the bathroom. Don’t YOU EVER EXPECT ME TO TALK TO THAT MAN!”

  10.13 p.m.

  I’ve just had a massive quiet cry. I don’t think Goose is in his room but I think Freak must have heard me sniffing.

  I miss everything and I WANT everyone to stop hiding the truth from me. I CAN HANDLE IT! I CAN COPE!

  The only thing that did hear me cry was a gecko. They can’t even pass you a tissue!

  11.23 p.m.

  Just gave Mum a big hug goodnight and told her I loved her. I hate the thought of her crying over this. I am now even going to eat one of her floppy bacon sandwiches to prove my love.

  S

  UNDAY 31

  ST J

  ANUARY

  3.23 p.m.

  Just said goodbye to Keith! We gave each other a big hug and he said, “I’ll see you soon!” And then he was gone.

  What do I feel?

  I should feel emotional. But I feel slightly annoyed with him. He can be a dull preachaholic. He seems to love snails more than humans. He saw the postman tread on one and went mental. This is the postman that didn’t sue a Dobermann when he tried to eat his ankle. Everyone knows when there’s canine blame there’s a claim! BUT though Keith’s really annoyed me at times, he has been sweet at times and he HAS tried. BUT I don’t want to upset the people I love any more. I even don’t want to upset Nathan.

  I’m letting Keith do all the work now. HE can contact ME. He can prove he cares. It’s the right thing to do and it’s also totally feminist.

  8.42 p.m.

  Freak the gecko is eating again! Perhaps he was bored to tears by Keith too!

  M

  ONDAY 1

  ST F

  EBRUARY

  4.02 p.m.

  MGK apparently cried for 3 hours as she felt such a deep personal connection with her “dad”. This must be because she thinks he’s a secret millionaire or something. Like Walter the tramp, who played the xylophone on the bench opposite the main post office every day and ended up leaving £3.2 million to the cats’ home.

  Anyway I had a full conversation with Dimple and Jen about my dad. It’s all right for them. They’ve had dads they have always known.

  Only Goose really gets it.

  Anyway I am not going to think about THE WHOLE KEITH/DAD THING!

  BTW – got my clay project back today after it had been fired (put in a big oven and cooked to Gran-pastry hardness standards). I hadn’t made a Princess, a gecko or a snake. I’d made a pet wiggly line. I’ve given it to Mum.

  She said she was going to use it to unblock the sink then she gave me a massive cuddle.

  Mum gets it. She was crap at Art too.

  I am still not thinking about KEITH.

  T

  UESDAY 2

  ND F

  EBRUARY

  6.13 p.m.

  RIGHT – time for LOVE. Massive FULL-ON CONCENTRATE ON THIS LOVE. It’s A MAN FOR HATTIE.

  Sorry, Mum, I don’t care about the failure of your savoury muffins. I have tuned out. Though it’s obvious that Cheddar cheese and jalapeños
won’t work. We want double, double chocolate with double chocolate chips.

  6.37 p.m.

  Actually, Mum, I WILL try one of your savoury muffins.

  6.56 p.m.

  I’ve just eaten a bit of it and told her it was lovely. It wasn’t. I’ve hidden the rest in the airing cupboard. It’s difficult thinking about your mum’s feelings. It’s even more difficult on your taste buds.

  Perhaps I should text Goose and see if geckos like savoury muffins as a side dish to complement their live crickets.

  No, Hattie Moore – that’s just an excuse and you know it is.

  W

  EDNESDAY 3

  RD F

  EBRUARY

  7.22 a.m.

  Mum just tried to give me a savoury muffin for breakfast. She has about 30 of them. I predict they will die in the back of the freezer and we will only see them again when she defrosts it in about 3 years’ time! Then she will bin them.